Show of hands – how many jaw-dropping, truly meaningful and extraordinary conversations have you had this week?
And how many conversations have you had about the weather?
I am an introvert – I found it difficult for many years to talk to new people. I was afraid of looking silly or saying the wrong thing, and I didn’t know how to move passed surface level conversation.
But one of the most important skills to have as a videographer is the ability to interview well; the ability to connect with people.
After I stumbled through my early days of interviewing – my list of questions crumpling between my shaking fingers – I found that the best interviews I conducted were when I forgot my notes and just had a conversation.
Who would have thought!
When I approach an interview now I still do some background research and comprise a list of questions as a guide, but I take the opportunity to learn something from the person sitting across from me – and ask questions from my own desire to understand.
When I’m talking with strangers and friends I use the same techniques I put into play when conducting an interview to have more meaningful and connected conversations.
1. Be Present
Multitasking is not real. It is impossible to be fully invested in more than one thought or task at a time. Be fully in or fully out of a conversation.
Be in the moment with the person you are with. Stop thinking about what you forgot at work, or what you might do on the weekend.
If the person sitting across from you senses you’ve zoned out, they won’t be invested either – possibly hurting the connection you have with them, and leaving both of you feeling unfulfilled at the end of the interaction.
2. Listen to Understand
“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.” ―
Stop listening to respond. Listen to understand what someone is saying, how they are feeling, what is going on in their world.
If you spend your listening time in an interview waiting to ask the next question on your list you’re bound to miss a vital part of their story – this means missing a valuable moment to ask a follow up question, or more importantly, deepen the connection and trust you have with them.
3. If You Don’t Know Something, Ask
One of the easiest ways to break through surface level conversation with someone is to ask them something about themselves or about what they do that you don’t know.
If you don’t understand what their cryptic or vague job title means – ask.
I open many interviews by asking them something I genuinely want to know. This often leads into many follow up questions as I ask them to expand – and I find more things I don’t know!
4. Don’t Equate Your Own Experiences To Theirs
Everyone’s experience is individual.
If someone feels comfortable enough to share something with you that has hurt them, or is causing anxiety in their life, it isn’t a time to compare your own experience with theirs.
Being a listening ear for someone can help you create a deeper connection with them – it shows you care.
5. Ask Open Ended Questions
Who, what, when, where, why. Not – Do, did, are, have…
As an interview rule, instead of asking, ‘have you seen changes in your industry over the last ten years?’ I will ask, ‘what changes have you seen over the last ten years?’
Rather than receiving an answer of ‘yes I have,’ and an awkward pause where no ones knows who’s turn it is the speak, they have room to describe their observations and provide an answer of substance.
The same goes for ‘did you have a good weekend’ vs ‘what did you do on the weekend.’
6. Be Silent
It is human nature to want to fill a void. Have you ever noticed you feel discomfort when there is a large space left in a line as someone doesn’t notice it has moved up, or how traffic fills the empty lane even if it is moving at the same pace…
We tend to feel a strong discomfort when a gap in conversation has gone on to long – an ‘awkward silence’ occurs.
An interview technique when you want someone to elaborate without prompting them with another question is to simple remain silent. Use your body language and non verbal cues to show you are expecting them to continue.
Most often if left in silence, they will fill the void.
7. Assume You Have Something to Learn From Every Conversation
Everyone is an expert in something – and everyone knows something you do not.
What don’t you know about the person sitting across from you? What could they teach you about their hobby or field of work?
Remember, if you’re the smartest person in the wrong room, you’re in the wrong room!